can't find nobody home.

Wednesday October 29, 2003 1:08pm

"i can't see them coming down my eyes/so i gotta make this song cry."--jay-z.

hello, it is me again (you expected someone else?). after a night getting home way too late from work and staying up way too late reading, um, "whatever you say i am: the life and times of eminem," i am awake. and the word of the day is pensive. for several reasons. the first being that i have had a long and one-sided dialogue with eminem and this book is making me...well, not rethink my stance about him; i think he's incredibly talented AND hateful AND mysogynist and no one, maybe not even himself, knows what is real and what is facade as far as his music goes.
hip-hop is both a reflection of society, ego, and id and a massive, fascinating game of fantasy on epic scales, said the white girl. i feel like both a bandwagonneer and a failed feminist--you know, when the marshall mathers ep was released the national organization for women put out mad press releases decrying his stance, and called for boycotts and shit, but then he turns around and says "i'm just playing ladies, you know i love you." and jimmy carter--jimmy carter! came out and said that he likes eminem! so is he tired? is it safe for me to like him? i have no idea. i just do. it seems to me--and this is a great oversimplification--that he's saying things that are common threads in hip-hop and were in the first place, but becuse he is popular and because he is white, people hold him to a different standard and come to the conclusion that he shouldn't talk about what every other rapper talks about. but i mean, he says "threece." that's some funny shit.
i could go on about all the other rappers that i like too and try and save my cred and prove that the white girl likes black rappers--i could namedrop the digable planets, de la, tribe called quest, jay-z, atmosphere (oops, he's white too), public enemy--i could tell you about the looks that i got when purchasing "fear of a black planet" but i don't think need to prove myself. that is the problem with music fans--or at least the little insulated east-side-of-milwaukee-same-guy-with-glasses-at-every-show world that i both inhabit and study. i don't CARE about your cred, i don't CARE if you saw sonic youth in 1995 or were the first person on your block to buy nwa or have the rare french import that features catherine deneuve freestyling with rakim. it's beside the point. shut up and move ya ass.
on a whole different topic:
and for those of you who dislike confessional journal entries especially on the internet stop reading here:
the other reason for the pensiveness is that i found out through a late-night conversation with my sister that my father took a bottle of beer with him in the car several weeks ago. there is something about this forum that makes me feel safe in confessing this. like, he was driving my mom to the grocery store and was hiding something in his hands and my mother saw and didn't say anything, just said "take me home." she then asked him a couple days later why he did it and he said "i just wanted a beer."
so i'm thinking:
WHAT THE FUCK.
my father has toed the line of alcoholism for many years and now seems like he is dropping into full-blown downward spiral. there were many years that i was afraid to drink at all, even after turning 21, because alcoholism is usually genetic and i have this addictive, orally-fixated personality and i was scared of what it would awaken in me. but i'm not concerned about me right now. or anymore. least not for that specific reason. the way my sister put it was that he doesn't seem to realize the effects that his actions have on other people. so he never beat us, or my mom, or was verbally abusive. that doesn't mean that we aren't affected. i am scared. and because i am not there, i don't live in the same city that my parents do, i can't do anything. i don't see what goes on. i just hear about it. i am powerless and i don't know what i can do.
anyway. enough. i promised some things to you last time, captive audience, and here they be.
things i don't like:
my job
winter after the first two months of it
the fact that i smoke
the fact that i'm afraid to quit
the fact that i cannot and will not ever fully be able to accept my body
right-wing pundits who clog bookshelves with ignorant shit
ignorance in general
(most) people in general
debt
little yippy dogs
people who make fun of my vegetarianism when i try to make as little of a deal out of it as possible
posers, scenesters, etc.
competetiveness among women and the peculiar form that it takes ("i'm so fat! you're so cute!" "no i'm so fat, you're so cute!")
pettiness
jealousy
oversimplifications
hyperbole
(if you know me you will know why those last two are extremely fucking funny)

top six movies (of all time) (in no order):
"say anything"
"lost in translation"
"donnie darko"
"meeting people is easy"
"the royal tenenbaums"
"east of eden"

NEXT TIME: i have no idea!

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